A dream of suicide

“Why are you panting? What’s the matter?” Julie asked visibly out of breath Simon.

“I am coming…” a deep gasp “..from my..” Simon stopped for few seconds, took a few deep breath. 

“I’m coming from my office.” The words came uninterrupted from his mouth, but he was far from being calm. His heart was trying to escape his chest. “You know where I work?” He finally stood straight and asked Julie.

“Of course, I do. You work in the tallest building in downtown dealing with big bucks. Everyone knows that.” Said Julie irritated. ”as you’ve said it many times,” she finished the sentence in her mind. Simon had a habit of boasting his high status work at a big financial planning corporate. Big job and big bucks had a big stress.

“When I stepped into my office today, everyone was waiting for me. Can you believe that?” asked Simon with one more deep breath.

“No. No one gives a shit in your office. Self-centered bastards.” Julie said. She wanted to say this for a long time.

“Yes. But today was different. Not only they were waiting, they were staring at me. No one greeted me. No small talk. Not even my secretary.” He looked at Julie expecting a response.

“OH! Unusual!” Julie said realizing her turn to speak.

“Scared I was. I just walked into my cabin and 15 people rushed in behind me. Can you imagine 15 people in my small office? It was intimidating. I tried to focus on calm sky and the moonlight. Then Noel walked forward and said…” Simon paused for moment avoiding Julie’s eyes.

Julie said rather bored, “What?”

“He said that I should commit suicide,” said Simon with pleading eyes. Piercing look in Julie’s eye confirmed her attention. She guessed where Simon was going. Nonetheless she didn’t intervene. Simon continued,”I was like what are you saying Noel? We never liked each other much, but we never had any issues either. It was just a professional rivalry. After few seconds of silence, all damn 15 people shouted at once that I should commit suicide.” Large chunk of Oxygen was engulfed by Simon’s stretched mouth.

Julie knew where it was going. She just said, “Go on.”

“I somehow fostered courage and ran out of the cabin pushing everyone. I just ran and ran, didn’t wait for the elevator. Upon reaching security office on the ground floor, I told them what happened. All three security guards in there laughed and asked me to commit suicide. The same damn thing. I have been a bit arrogant to them, but I never thought it would get this far.”

Julie said, “Then you came to me, right?”

“Probably. I don’t remember correctly. I might have asked a dog on my way for help and it also said the same thing. I remember you had a similar dream before you …” Simon hesitated. “Before you tried to kill yourself last year. But this is happening to me.”

“Is it?” asked Julie.

“Is it not?”

“Look around. Do you see where we are?” asked Julie.

Simon looked around and let out a scream. “We are on top the monument, the Washington Monument.” Simon felt the strong wind now. He shouted, “Am I dreaming?”

“In a way. However, it has an impact on your reality as well.” Julie said.

“In what way?”

“Let’s see. I ask again, why are you here?” asked Julie.

“You know it. I told you the ENTIRE story,” said Simon irritated.

“Well, if you were here just to tell me the story, you would have left by now. I think you’re expecting a response.” Simon just looked at Julie. He wasn’t sure. Julie continued, “And my opinion is you should jump from here.”

“You, too? You are also pushing me for suicide.” Simon paused for moment and then said firmly,” As you said, this is just a dream. Even if I jump, it won’t make any difference. You people can’t kill me.”

“Precisely. Let’s dissect two parts. The first part is, this is your dream. That’s why it has an impact on your reality. If you decide to kill yourself in your dream, you will try to kill yourself in reality. That’s what happened to me. I made a wrong decision in my dream.  The second part, it is not what I’m saying or others are saying counts. Your decision and desire are important.” Two sets of eyes pierced each other, one decisive and one confused.

“What do I do next?” Simon asked.

“Jump.”

Simon looked down and said. “Jump? You still want me to kill myself!”

“No. I don’t have power to decide whether you live or kill yourself. I am not suggesting you kill yourself, I’m just saying jump,” said Julie.

Simon looked around. The Sun was rising besides The Capitol Rotunda and on the west Lincoln memorial started to glow in mild yellow sunshine. Simon did a full circle. A mix of old and new architecture in the National Mall did not tell the real story of city’s struggle, its survival and its rejuvenation. Simon remembered one of his reads. Washington DC was destroyed during the Civil War. The legislators turned against the city and threatened to shift the capital of the country, like asking the city to commit suicide. Instead of bowing down to stress and negativity, DC decided to stand up. It built itself again. Old marble and new bricks stood together. Old marble reminded new bricks of the history and lessons learned, while new bricks supported the old marbles, carving the way forward. A new energy filled in Simon’s nerves. He closed his eyes and jumped.

Julie smiled looking at him and said, “Remember If you give up, your dreams give up. Your dreams give up, your life gives up. Never give up.”